Hilarious Satire: I Have Proofs Tiwa Was Sleeping with Don Jazzy, Dr Sid and 2face - TeeBillz

Exclusive Interview: I have proofs Tiwa was sleeping with Jazzy, others- TeeBillz

I was walking on Demuren street in Ketu, Lagos when I suddenly found myself on Peckham High Street, London. Right where Obalende suya used to stand was this new edifice with a giant signpost which read "Edible Catering" with a faint tagline "we deliver knock-out service"

Out of curiosity, I decided to enter the restaurant.

In one of the corners was TJ, the trending man in town, discussing with about four ladies in uniform. The moment he saw me, he excused himself and was walking towards me.

"Wale, I have been looking for you", he called. Startled, I asked, "How did you know my name and what for?"

TJ: Forget matter. You think I didn't see what you guys are posting on social media?

Me: Posts? Which posts?

The memes you were posting about me and my ex-wife.

Ex-wife? But the court has not granted the divorce? Has it?

You guys have refused to hear me out before coming to your conclusions and it is unfair.

I thought you have stated your own side of the story with those Instagram posts.

No. My account was hacked. I did not post those bullsh*ts. Wasn't me.

But is it not true that you duped her while you were her manager and she was the one housing, feeding, clothing and also giving you pocket money?

Kini big deal? Look, I made her. Have you seen her picture when she started? I took her up from the gutter, refined her, paid for her ticket to Nigeria, produced and paid for her first video. I did everything for her. She should be eternally grateful to me. Without me, there was no her. What has she done for me? (Singing Obey's song): Kin l'enikan se, t'enikan o se ri, E ma hale mo Kayode mi..

From your complaint about her not cooking for you to your saving a number with "edible catering" and now this new restaurant, you must like food, bros.

Look, are you not a Nigerian? Have you not heard that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and not through hip-hop? When she refused to cook at home claiming celeb and breadwinner, won't I found a mean of satisfying myself?

Satisfying yourself? Including getting knock out?

I didn't sleep with no edible whatever. She only cooks for me while my wife was partying around with Jazzy and Dr. Sid.

But how can a caterer be calling you at 2:00am?

Tiwa was just being jealous and unnecessarily possessive. You know the nature of our work now. We can eat at any time of the day. By tie way, there was no 2am. It was around after 1am.

Is it true that you wanted to commit suicide?

Me? Mo ku ti! James Bond l'omo latile. That was their fertile imagination. See, have you seen any of our politicians resign before? We be African, e no dey our DNA. How can I kee myself when this world is so sweet: s'aiye, s'omo, se'go! That was a pure Jackie Chan move. Emi? Kee mysef? Tufiakwa?

But N45m? What did you do with that kind of amount?

Investment, of course! Look at this place. To get this kind of edifice in highbrow London, e easy? Since she fired me as her manager, I no go survive and establish something for myself. Or, don't you like this place? Talk true. (smiles)

Of course, I do. But, is that why you named it Edible Catering? This place used to be called Obalende Suya Express Restaurant.

Well, I don't know what you are talking about. That is pure co-incidence.

What are you doing about the name? Have you registered or patented it? You know our people, tomorrow you may start hearing things like "Miss Edible Catering", "Face of Edible Catering", "Edible Catering Ambassador" etc etc

Laughs. I have no comments.

Now, you claimed she took your manhood away? If she takes you manhood away, how was "edible catering" able to knock you out?

I told you my account was hacked. Am I Mike Tyson that was knocked out by Buster Douglas? There was no knock out anywhere. Even at that, does your wife know all your secrets? Omo Oodua ni mi ke. Emi? Gbogbo ara kiki ija. Fiile bee. I have reservoir. Ta a ba ni ka m'oni, ola la maa mu.

What evidence do you have that your wife was bleeping Jazzy, Dr. Sid and 2face?

What evidence does she have that I was bleeping em.. em.. edible catering?

But she saw the evidence on your phone now?

What right has she to be checking my phone? Don't we have right to privacy in our constitution again? Besides, have you being to Jazzy studio before? Do you know Jazzy studio doubles as his home? Bros, you know now. E ma fi nu mi, mo moo je. I no be mungun now. Na condition make crayfish bend o. We know how e dey roll.

But, you still do not have a concrete evidence.

Have you listened to the lyrics of Dorobucci?

No, I have not?

Go and listen to it.

You tell me

Ok, let me sing it for you.
Jazzy sings: doro big, doro heavy, doro skillful, doro bloody.
Dr Sid sings: doro carry, doro hammer, doro pako, doro knack pass carpenter wey don dey knack before. Then D'Prince said doro is a cheerful giver. Imagine?

But they were just singing now, Doro is just a slang.

Idiot. You don't know anything. I'd reasoned along that line until my goons called my attention to it. Who is the doro that is a cheerful giver? Now, listen to my wife's line. She said: doro na diva.... Doro na Tiwa.... She no dey tire.... Tired of what?

But that still did not completely prove she was sleeping with them.

What do you know? You don't know those guys. They kiss and tell. When Jazzy sing Eminado. what do you think he was saying? It is a code. Eminado is a Yoruba word. It means: Emi naa do (I also bleep her). That mean they are passing her around. How many husbands can take this? How many?

She has offered to take a lie detector test to show that she was not sleeping with them.

Hehehehehe. Lie detector. Hahahahahaha. Why can't she suggest ayelala. Or is she not a Yoruba woman again? Is lie detector our culture? Are we oyibos? Sango is there, Ogun is there, obatala is there, she is talking about lie detector. You seem not to know Nigerians. By the time our people operate on that lie detector, even the lie detector will call itself a lier. I can only believe her if she is ready to swear by ayelala, sango or ogun.

Then, why can't you propose that to her?

Aha, I know her, she will never swear because she is doing it. She will soon start saying she is a christian, blah blah blah. A woman that has refused to sleep with me for months, where is she getting it from? Someone that I know well well. Abi, no be hin sing "she no dey tire"? Let her follow me to Ondo and swear by ayelala. I am ready to pay for our transport, to and fro.

So, you mean your wife is hot and .....

Don't talk to my wife in such a manner. Ab'oloshi ni bobo yi ni ke? I can kill myself and kill anybody because of her. In fact, you are stupid. You are an idiot. You are....

He brought out a gun and was about to fire.

"Jeeesussssssss...." I shouted and woke up with a start.

I have been dreaming!

I need to see Iya Rasaki alagbo immediately after service today. This is a clear indication that this high fever is about to relapse.