I Would Be A Pastor If I Had No Conscience

 

If I were conscienceless, I would become a Nigerian pastor.

 

I would collect tithes and offerings from widows, pensioners, students, workers on minimum wage and even the unemployed.

 

I would not care that many of these people could not afford hospital bills or tuition fees for their children.

 

I would use the money so collected to buy myself a private jet to take care of my businesses around the world. 

 

I would own houses and properties around the world. 

 

My suits and shoes would cost more than the annual salary of a doctor, university lecturer or a lawyer.

 

I would gift my mistresses posh cars, expensive houses, gold, and jewelry. 

 

I would use the tithes and offerings I collect from pensioners, widows and the unemployed to pay for sex. 

 

And when I am caught with my pants down, I would say it was all a set up by my enemies to bring me down. If this explanation seems unsatisfactory or unconvincing to my followers then I would offer to publish a more "robust" reply soon.

 

If my church members wonder why their life is a mess, I would blame marine spirits and witches (by which I mean their aged parents or other family members) or their sinful lives.

 

I would be answerable to no one. And if anyone demands accountability, I would threaten them with the Bible verse that says: "Touch not my anointed and do my prophet no harm." This is the ultimate trump card - it shuts everyone up because, believe me, no Nigerian wants to go to hell.